I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
