4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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