I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
