I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
