I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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