did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
