hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
