all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
