i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
