Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
