Please, let me fuck your mom
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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