hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
