All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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