I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
