I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize