I just pynch a tree in the face
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
