I am spending my child support on dildos
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
