Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
