I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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