I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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