Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
