I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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