why didn't you poke me back
I faked an abortion last night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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