Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
