I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
