i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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