There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
