Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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