I heard we made out
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
