We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
