um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
