I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
