They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This toilet bowl is my home.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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