John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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