everyone is single if you try hard enough
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
3 2 1 whiskey
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
