My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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