the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
