just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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