Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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