Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
