So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
