Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
