What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
