Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She needs sedatives and a leash
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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