Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
