I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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