Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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