I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
