WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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