i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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