I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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