Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
