A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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