Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
