If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
