um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Every concussion has its silver lining
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
