she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
