theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
